the sum of nothing

back

I curl up in front of your door,
content to bleed out like this right now,
with the knowledge that one day, somehow,
you would be forced to walk out and stand over my body.

Stare at me, I beg you.
Hover above me like Cain to Abel,
weak and powerless like I was at the beginning.
Would your eyes burn with knowledge that I was at your mercy?

I had paced around your home
for an infinite amount of time. Watch
all that rehearsed tenderness that I learnt from you.
You pour your herbal tea while I go hungry (I don’t complain.)

But still, I remain, here by your side,
Bound to this doormat by an obligatory love,
or something close enough for me. I would follow,
bruised and bloodied, into hell just for you to smile at me.

You still wouldn’t, of course.
The idea alone is good enough for me.
Can you at least pray for me, in these last moments?
I’m dying in front of you. Dying. And you closed your blinds.

And I, shamefully, turned away.
We are twin hounds. Muzzled.
Like animals, we know how to hurt each other.
You take pride in it. I take obligation.